TITLE: Shadow of the MANBAT AUTHORS: EPurSeMouve and JHJ Armstrong EMAIL: epursemouve@goplay.com and piglit1975@aol.com CATEGORY: H RATING: PG KEYWORDS: Bad Crack. Screenplay format. Post-ep. And yet more Bad Crack. SPOILERS: "Patience", and the trailer for SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE SUMMARY: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of executive producers? The MANBAT knows. DISCLAIMER: We regret to inform you that none of the characters here belong to us. But unlike the vampire and MANBAT, we don't bite. That is, of course, unless asked. FEEDBACK: The MANBAT may spare those who choose to send it. DISTRIBUTION: The MANBAT may wreak havoc elsewhere. Just let us know where to send the rabies shot coupons. COMING ATTRACTIONS EPurSeMouve and JHJ Armstrong PROUDLY Present... A 1310 ON THE BAD CRACK PRODUCTION OF... SHADOW OF THE MANBAT From the trailer for E. Elias Merhige's SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE, coming to theaters this December Lovingly Adapted by EPurSeMouve and JHJ Armstrong FADE IN. A black-and-white shot of a man, gazing into Chris Carter's office. MONTAGE of MulderTorture scenes, over which... CARTER (V.O.) Our struggle is to make money, our weapon is the contract talks Carter drives pins into DD's ankles, an evil grin on his face. UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) TV Producer/Crack Whore Chris Carter had an obsession... Carter fiddles with the buttons on Gillian Anderson's blouse as he consults with cameramen about the proper angle at which to shoot her cleavage. UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) To create story lines that defied logic, wearing a sly grin all the while. FROM "PATIENCE": Scully looks at the footprint on porch. Scully observes the claw marks on the rafters. UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) He dug up an actor... MANBAT flies down from the ceiling to attack the defenseless old guy. Shiban, Gilligan and Spotnitz watch MANBAT enter set. SHIBAN The monster-of-the-week for another substandard episode! MANBAT flies down from the ceiling to attack yet another defenseless old guy. Darin Morgan walks by in the Flukeman costume, sans head. DARIN MORGAN (yelling) You bastards coulda had me, if you weren't too cheap to pay scale! UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) But this actor didn't just phone in a performance. Carter and crew set up a shot, with the MANBAT hanging from the rafter, jelly donut filling being smeared all over his face. CHRIS CARTER But you're not eating the body parts... The MANBAT attacks yet another helpless old guy, biting off two fingers. CHRIS CARTER (V.O.) You're hurling them up... MANBAT projectile-vomits the fingers, which fly into Carter's cappuccino. UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) He lived it. The MANBAT smirks - Carter is livid, yelling at him. CHRIS CARTER You get NO residuals -- NONE! Gillian, off to the side, smokes a cigarette in annoyance. UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) (deep and resonant) Starring Emmy Award, Golden Globe Award, Saturn Award, Blockbuster Entertainment Award, Theater World Award, and Screen Actors Guild Award winner Gillian Anderson. When she sees the camera on her, she shakes out her hair, stubs out the cigarette, and starts looking beautiful and forlorn. UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) (deep breath) Also honored twice with the Q Award from the Viewers for Quality Television. She smiles. Carter stands opposite the MANBAT. CHRIS CARTER (yelling) I will finish this episode! A FLASH of David Duchovny throwing darts at a publicity still of Chris Carter. UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) (hurriedly) And created by Chris Carter. The MANBAT preens before Carter. MANBAT (suave, British accent) This is hardly your episode any longer... TITLE CARD COMES UP UBIQUITOUS TRAILER DUDE (V.O.) Shadow... (beat) Of the MANBAT! John Shiban tussles in the attic with MANBAT, then Shiban falls through the floor, landing limply on his ass. CHRIS CARTER How dare you destroy my producer? Why not the... the eight new story editors? MANBAT I'll eat them later. End titles: A 1310 On The Bad Crack Production Coming soon to FOX. Strobe effect, then... FADE TO BLACK. View the original trailer here: http://www.movie-list.com/s/shadowofthevampire.shtml And let us know what you think at epursemouve@goplay.com and piglit1975@aol.com AUTHOR'S NOTE: EPur: Ah, the MANBAT. He who plays by his own rules, knows no fear, and fears no knowing. JHJ: Yes. A waste is a terrible thing to mind. Or some such. Say, EPur, it seems we have a limitless supply of bad crack. EPur: Now, now. Bad crack isn't just an illegal substance. It's also a state of mind JHJ: My mind's in Georgia. *begins to sing as she wanders off* Georgia, Georgia ... Hope you enjoyed it, folks! ... I got Georgia on my mind ... EPur: We've lost her. It feels like we've lost so much else, in the process. But at least we're here. Laughing through our pain. A shout echoes from the hills: CC, if you're reading this, you've got two able-bodied writers looking for work! And lookit! We can even format text in screenplay format! JHJ: Heh-heh. They said format. Heh-heh. But adieu. Adios. Auf Wiedersehn. Sayonara. Shalom. Mahalo! And tune in for our next episode. Same MANBAT-time, same MANBAT-channel. JHJ: To the MANBAT-cave, EPur! EPur: Away!